tuesday night at sluggo's

tonight i let myself be gripped by lyrics of a song.

i drove home the long way
played the song again and again
and i cried.

what i can't understand,
what i can't express,
what i can't get others to understand,
what i can't believe.
what i can't accept.

how do you explain it will all be ok, when there is no understanding of safety.
how do you tell babygirl in the morning there will be dancing,
when her best friend was stabbed in the heart the purest hours of the morning?

"we are all so young, and all so alone.
we ain't even old enough
to realize we on our own."

what happens when you have lost heart
too desperate to even fall on your knees to pray
how do i make these cries aloud?

grasping the enormity of it all.

it's winter break.

everything in my life right now is screaming:
read! write! listen! publish!
but my task right now...
is to just write,
write down everything.
write about the sea,
what i see.
how i feel,
what people say
how i react,
what i am dreaming,
feelings of failure,
write it all

because she simply cannot be
accept the world around her

her form of wrestling
is the pen.

break has just begun,
yet it will be over before i have fully rested,
and it seems inevitable...
i won't get everything i would have hoped to get done,
it happens that way.
funny the way it is.
there will still be refreshment.
maybe even more than i could ever ask for.

"the learning curve's steep - you learn quick"
i feel like this past year. 2011 has been one of those crucial years in my life.
i am starting to process all that is happening. all that has happened. the growth.
the things i can't change, but wish could have happened differently.
things i am grateful for. the pains. the laughs. the hardships.
things i survived. the friendships that withstood during hell.
how i let go, but God held on. the year could be defined as RAW.
a year of sickness. one of brutally honesty, a messy year.
but i feel this year God used as one hell of a lesson,
for what? i can only trust God that it is being used to further his Kingdom.

i am a student of mistakes
i try
i fail
i try
i like to embrace
what is going on around me
i like to try everything
take what i like
leave what i don't
a collection of experiences
that is all.

little moments of the morning.

i was reading an old journal a quote i stumbled upon said: "when was the last time you did something for the first time?" how fitting for the new year. i think i am going to try to journal each day...at least one thing i did that day i had never done before. whether it be something extreme like skydiving, or a more subtle shift in perspective...i hope it will help me be more committed to writing.

3 days until Will gets to Florida :]

boy you look good ;]
what a punk.


"i love it when you call me big POPPA"

"we are called upon to become CREATORS.
to make the world new,
&& in that sense
to bring something into being which was not there before."
- John BOodin

let's just get this numbness out. so studying is turning to be a complete fail this weekend. i could not get myself to do anything after i wrote a paper on an interview with a farmer...yeah i wrote a paper on a friday night. that was a first. i have never done such a thing. plenty of studying. reading. but never cranked out a paper...on a friday night! but it was quite frustrating knowing i had two more to crank out by tuesday. both which are nothing but lofty ideas right now. now being midnight sunday. shucks. i am in a pickle. but i can't get myself to write. to focus. STEPH finals are around the corner. you have 3 days of class left, one quiz, a self study, and a reflection paper... YOU CAN DO IT.

i am nostalgic.
so lost in memories.
and warm places.
and my heart is yearning for something familiar.
&& my mind is wandering
so far from
where it NEEDS
to be right now.

so i must embrace it. and write.
the words i liked hearing today:

our message in church today was delivered by someone God has placed in my life recently and has quickly climbed into my soul and became somewhat of my hero. someone i work with. his name is Chris Woodhull. he is truly a heart friend. he is my mentor. he challenges me, and enjoys jazz, slam poetry, and has a heart for young people. he is a fighter. has taught me in so little time how to give myself voice. and has a way of empowering people. i am glad he moved to chattanooga. i am happy God made work for us to grapple with together. i am glad he has made us family. and God sure knows family does not always mean pretty and clean cut. thats what i like about Chris too. he is raw. and real. and blunt. and pushes buttons.

i am not good at summarizing things. but his talk i was able to connect with, in a time i haven't been able to talk to God in weeks. we read out of Luke, the story of the Annunciation. You know the story - even if you are not a Christian. When Mary is encountered by Gabriel and is told she is going to give birth to Christ. it is divine really. a true moment of glory. and so many times we have heard this story. so easy to overlook. so easy to remember, yet so easily forgotten. we are numb to the divine. we are so numb to the beauty of this moment. we are numb to the purity. we are numb to this story of transcendence. this sermon was a break through.

"interact with the divine"

what a challenge.

ramblings of the soul:
i wish i could express myself through music
and dance. i wish more than anything i could be a ballerina

i hope you know i could not go on without you.

honey you are the sea, upon which i float on.

christmas socks :]

yeah it has been a really rough weekend.
i feel very depressed quite frankly.
i don't know anything right to say,
and i cried all weekend.
maybe it is just everything bubbling to the surface
my fears
the things i have to get done
the things i have to let go
feelings i don't understand

but it is sunday.
therefore there is an underlying peace.
an underlying hope.
that all will be well in the morning.
there will be dancing.