night on the stoop

with

roomies and guests.

honduras yummies

&& lots of love

corner of main and hawthorne.

summer has rolled on in,

it is hot hot hot.

&& i am enjoyin late nights on the stoop

where yuri is teachin me salsa.

i enjoy afternoons spent in the projects

playin soccer with the kids.

i love my view of main street,

but my cozy little corner on hawthorne.

i really did not know what God had in store for me

with my sickness

and soreness

and weakness.

but he has brought me pure joy.

joy in the lack of hot water,

and the simple living

forced upon me

(Truly.)

joy in my amazing roomies whose hearts

are bigger than africa!

joy in the smiles of kids at 8 in the mornin

joy in learnin how to dougie

when i should be teachin them how to dribble,

pass, shoot, score...whatever.

joy in good wine

joy in work i enjoy

God has provided.

silly how i thought anything other than

just that.

he has broken my heart every day

i never do without,

and i get to spend time with these darling faces

today i spent most of my afternoon

in the wheeler neighborhood on the east side

the kids oh my gosh took my heart

and ran.

and ran.

and ran.

and ran me ragged.

but i promise there are things about the projects i love

and i think i will carry in my heart forever.

community,

sitting on the lawn under magnolia trees,

blastin r&b on the boombox

on the stoop...

is totally acceptable

more than that.

it is necessary.

love your family.

laugh with them

yell with them.

fight with them.

and hug them.

be together.

dance together.

what i have learned this week thus far: my big butt is beautiful

my girls call me kesha now.

they say i look a lot like her.

compliment? i'm not sure,

well i'll take it.

because at this point, they give me an inch i take a mile.

east lake represent.

oh and can i just say that my chattanooga futbol driver

is just the sweetest thing [and super attractive] ?

i think i may just run away with him.

holla!

count it pure joy

"Life is a collection of a million, billion moments, tiny little moments and choices, like a handful of luminous glowing pearls. and strung together, built upon one another, lined up through the days and the years, they make a life, a person. it takes so much time, and so much work, and those beads and moments are so small, and so much less faulous and dramatic than that "one big moment"...i believe that this way of living, this focus on the present, the daily, the tangible, this intense concentration not on the news headlines but on theflowers growing in your garden, the children growing in your own home, this way of living is choosing to believe that there is nothing more sacred than this day"

-oh shauna. you amaze me.

it's 9:oo, i've been at the deli for a couple hours now, my first mayterm exam is tomorrow, and Lord knows i do not want to drive up that mountain. so i'll blog for a little while and let my mind have a rest.

i enjoy my job.

&& i am realizing more and more what a blessing it is

to have positive people to work alongside,

a paintbrush in hand,

and to simply love what you do.

little things we should not take for granted.

because really, they are where your heart is found.

that is what i am working on this summer.

really appreciating, taking time to love,

learning how to give more,

and i want to hear more people's hearts.

stories.

moscato, sin in a tin, & most deliciously, my juju.

oh my oh my.

dear juju,

maybe you will read this.

maybe you will not.

but i hope you know how wonderful you are. you are finishing a huge milestone in your life and beginning a new chapter, and it is so so so beautiful. it is more than evident that the Lord has taken hold of your heart...so wherever you end up amazing things will happen and you will glorify Him. you have been a huge influence in my life. and this past year have become a role model to me, i love you so so much and it kills me that i cannot drive down and see you strut your stuff across that stage as you graduate COLLEGE! i love you so much! thank you for all the naked swims, karaoke nights, beach trips, wine nights, dave, your free spirit, your unconditional love...you inspire me and challenge me to be a better sister, friend, daughter, and you have taught me to see myself in light of our Father's light and to always be shining for him. thank you for your prayer. you are my soul sister. you are incredibly loved, and i hope you know that.

love, stephanie

confession #4339&4340: i do not like apples too much, in fact they are probably my least favorite fruit. and i look foward to watching american idol every week probably a little toooo much.

goodnight.

love,

little me

tell me please: what is your love language?

turkey and dorrito sandwich please

and a week later. i am back in florida.

so since wednesday i have showered once, slept less than two hours each night, and brushed my teeth sparingly...it is sunday now. i don't even know if i want to attempt to capture the chaos of the past couple of days. lots of time in the basement, 24 hours to evacuate, no water, no elevator, && MOVIN OUT. complete devastation. and an incredible amount of mercy and grace.

i cannot do much except sit. i cannot really sleep. nor can i really gather or comprehend what has happened. i just don't know how to cope, or when it is appropriate to acknowledge what i can and cannot handle. when should i pay attention to my fears and anxieties, and when should i just put my head down and barrel through? what is too much? i am just rambling. a lot is just flowing through my mind, i am just going to let it all overflow and continuously write whatever hits my heart. it may be joyfuL, it may be painful. but i whatever comes out it is raw.

now i am sitting in the Leisure Bar in downtown Pensacola.

kings of leon is playing and i wish i was 21

so i could too join "brunch and bubbles"

sipping champagne and oj...

but dang this cafe au lait is rather

delightfuL.

not so delightful though,

i locked my keys in my car.

both sets too.

i am that good:

my spare in my backpack,

and

my set,

sitting in the seat scoffing at me.

shit. i would.

after playing phone tag for an hour with the locksmith

he eventually found me on S Palafox

he busted my car open

handed me my keys

he was a funny little character.

he made me smile,

i had no money to tip him

so i gave him a box of oreos that i had from our tornado stash

and he accepted them happily with a

"fuck yeah"

yesterday i was in chattanooga.

strange.

it was all so fast.

what i was begging for: the end of the semester,

it came literally in a whirlwind.

it was all so fast.

and it has made me numb.

very numb.

after the locksmith went along his way, so did i. i drove down Palafox, right onto Cervantes, and left onto 17th to visit my favorite little girl. i arrived at Georgia's and she greeted me wearing her minnie mouse dress, and a glass of ice water with lime in hand. what a great little host :] she even insisted on eating my ice cubes for me - only the small ones though, small enough to fit in her mouth, because if they were big she was convinced they were colder - not only did she share her glass of water with me, she was also very generous with her stick on earrings that she got for Easter. she had "SO many" that she could spare me a strip of neon pairs varying in shapes; diamonds, hearts, ovals, and stars. she made me wear just about every pair at once, which i later discovered at Publix when the cashier laughed at me...that i left them all for the entirety of the day...oops! oh how i love her so. as i left she took me to a tree in her garden and picked me a few loquats...as she handed them to me she asked me to spend the night. we are known for our sick dance parties to Yo Gabba Gabba songs...but i could not sadly, because i had to go babysit. i drove away with a cheer filled heart. my heart was so full of love, i cried.

then to porto i drove to meet up with Zoe and Sofie again...i ran out to the soundside to find them bungeeing and swimming...and i was greeted with hearty hugs and giggles. and it was about 5pm so we headed back to tower three and raced to Zoe and Sof raced to the showers, as i prepared dinner. I fixed a salad with greens, cherry tomatoes, craisens, and almonds. i also fixed some peas and bread, and we all sat together around the bar. we then threw in a cookie log and waited for about 15 minutes for it to bake. and sofie came over to me and said, "Stephanie you would be a great mom..." the little moment made me smile, and my heart warm. the moment quickly passed though and were playing JUST DANCE on the Wii and Zoe taught me how to "WOP" hahah and we eventually gave up on the game and spontaneoulsy started our dance party. we dougied, jerked, and listened to lazy day by bruno mars nothing short of a billion times.

we danced it out

brushed our teeth,

and cuddled on the couch,

and took turns reading Shiloh aloud

in country accents

and the way Sof would light up at the suspense, her eyes would get big and her jaw would drop, and she would interact...it was exciting to me. we only got to chapter 13 out of 15 so she promised to text me to tell me who Judd Travers shot - the doe or Marty. I wanted to read ahead, but she made me promise to not read it while she was sleeping so i slipped the book into her backpack in obedience to my promise - so she could finish reading it on her way to school on the bus.

night one at porto looked a little different however. Sofie caught me up on all her third grade drama while helping me cook and create desserts for girls night. she is a great little host as well, she provided everyone with blankets, pillows, and worked the complicated dvd player i have no business messing with. we eventually cuddled on the couch all watching "life as we know it" which she especially liked because the baby shared her name..."sofie"...me and sofs were the only ones who stayed up long enough to watch the whole thing, we shared a pillow and cried together. i like watching movies with Sofs because she asks a lot of questions and demands explanation. and it opens up a lot of conversation and new perspective, it is refreshing. being with her last night made me so excited for the day i become a mom. her hugs are warm and her questions innocent.

check out our creation...

sugar cookie cake with

nutella and bananas

i like being back in florida. before i went out to the condo i met Hales and Sofs and Zo

i met them at Laguna's, Sabine's bar on the boardwalk...parking was hellish so i parked way down at the end of the beach and walked along the bay shuffling between families and tourists waiting for their buzzer to allow them seating in hooters, castaways, or papas pizza...and i could taste the salt in my mouth and my ears were tuned in to the local musicians covering sublime and slightly stoopid songs trying to take advantage of the tourists who would gladly drop a buck or two into their guitar cases...once again i am here with the people i love so i stood for a second to take it all in watching the reflections dance on the bay...it is my favorite the lights of the boats, moon, and shops dance in the ripples of the calm bay, and not even a minute passes and i smothered with hugs. oh the love! zo and sof led me to Lagunas where we shared pistachio creme burlee and raspberries and sofs asked me to tell tornado stories and to describe in detail how tornadoes work, she wondered how i still had a car, if my things got sucked up in the storm, and if i was scared. she said she would prefer if i didn't go back to chatty and stayed at the beach...and then she lost interest in tornadoes and then insisted i drive her to school on monday morning. zoe on my other side told me about her boyfriend and showed me pictures on her droid and told me that i was pretty, which really touched me more that i thought those words could, maybe because lately i just feel anything but pretty.

concluding thought: our hearts need time spent with children.

&& shout out to william...whom i am skyping right now and we are making turkey dorrito sandwiches together. holla!

lots of love, stephanie

cheezy confession #576: i love the new britney spears song.

next on the book list..."Light Box" by shane jones.

little chapters.

sometimes i want someone to feel my heart so bad, all i can do is cry.

I've been doing that a lot lately...crying.

because I am happy.

because I am hurt.

because I am sad.

because I want to dance with someone.

because my favorite song is played by a cover band at the beach.

because I'm alone.

because I remember something good.

because I love the ocean.

i just feel so fragile.

yesterday, just yesterday

i was lying in the sand at the edge of the shore,

where the water was teasing my toes.

The sun was bright and welcoming,

and I drove far far out so far that our little spot on the beach was completely ours.

from my towel i could see both the gulf and the bay

...i felt as though we were in the dessert.

it was desolate.

and still debri of the old road destroyed by IVAN

was scattered through the sand

the sky was endlessly blue and the dunes were consuming.

the ocean spilled uncontrollably,

without rhythm,

crashing everywhere.

it was there.

where i felt alive again.

i began wondering. why does the ocean, so MASSIVE and violent - not consume everything?

you know, why does it not spill over? just perfectly waves crash, break, splash, and tickle the shoreline.

so perfectly the ocean in its awesome volume...stays contained...

and in effect we can live our little lives on the land.

and the ocean stays. and does not consume.

it has the power to, but it

does not consume.

does not consume.

rach thought my curiosity to be rather silly. she had an answer...

"well steph, God put the ocean in a tupperware.

no lid though.

just chillin in the tupperware."

makes sense. hm.

but man, what an enormous tupperware.

i didn't think that thought out loud.

I just entertained the thought myself.

rach, em, and myself laid in the sun for hours and hours and when it was time to pack up Em said to me..."Steph if i wrote little chapters i would start by writing about riding with the windows down listening to country music.."

you know i hope she does just that.

i hope we all can write little chapters of our little lives,

simple lives.

because i believe that our stories are worth sharing.

worth capturing.

big moments and big parts of our lives are in the smallest,

little delights. simple pleasures. minor details.

i want to continue to write. write. write. write.

lots of little chapters.

i am determined to not let these little days slip by, forgotten.

no sir.

my playlist.

aka..my roomies are probably sick of these songs.

the weight - the band

no you girls - franz ferninand

tomorrow morning - jack johnson

mr brown - bob marley

hang out to dry - cold war kids

good stuff - kenny chesney

things are changing a lot, and i cannot seem to keep up.

the more i go home, the more i get to thinking of how much i've moved. and how forgettable and replaceable i feel. i ridiculously expect to go home and find everything the way i left it. i expect that when i turn onto west roberts road i could trust that rachel would still be living right over the railroad tracks at kingsfield and that when i went to church haliegh, jules, and becca would be there too. i think that if i drive long enough on pine forest road i'd evenutally find ortiz waiting for me in his drive way and we could spend the day eating oatmeal and swimming. i cannot drive on ten mile without being reminded of the many bagelheads runs i made with coach sport, and i always check both ways three or four times before crossing the kingsfield, tate road intersection afraid of the possibility totaling my car and fear of ending up in the ditch again. as much as i wanted to leave cantonment..i cannot believe how much of the familiarity i take for granted. and how i would kill to get some aggie fries on a friday night painted up, watchin our football team get stomped. i kind of miss when we couldn't drive, and our adventures were to the pond and neighborhood yardsales. everywhere we went, we got by foot. life before beer, cars, and weed. now everyone is everywhere but home. cracked out. drunk. gone...

i love my life now too.

it is just hard sometimes living in the inbetween age.

twenty. man oh man

the heartache involved.

and the joys too.

oh and i am crying some more.

i think sometimes acknowledging the bittersweet nature of growing up can be painful.

thats all.

cheezy confession: i can't wait to fall in love.

pictures soon!

much love.

peace.

"what a beautiful world from what this angle can see"