a little bit of home.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

thanksgiving in the GNOME home with the family :]

thank you jesus

for making family here

in chattanooga.

sweetly surrendering

but nights like tonight,

Make everything that is wrong

Feel right for a second

Nights like tonight

are a breath of fresh air.

There is peace

And joy

And laughter

where there usually is none.

"And you, of tender years,

Can't know the fears that your elders grew by,

And so please help them with your youth,

They seek the truth before they can die.

Can you hear and do you care and
Cant you see we must be free to
Teach your children what you believe in.
Make a world that we can live in."

- crosby, stills, && nash

i believe in these young people.

insomniac

i've never been much of a sleeper.

oh but boy do i dream,

in fact some of my favorite most creative moments

are those hidden in the minutes of the night.

those late night moments where you really "should" be sleeping.

why "should" we be sleeping?

because some psychologist,

some scientist,

some guy with authority,

decided to research

and said so?

but seems to me these people who tell us that sleep is vital

must have researched a group of bodies

who all similarly had the same bed time.

the same weak tolerance to awakeness.

the same addiction to sleep.

and this group of bodies,

maybe even the majority

well they

told the world that sleep was indeed necessary.

they also tell us sleep makes us more productive

but how can they

convince us how we should view productivity?

and everyone has fallen for it.

i am not saying that's wrong. nope. not at all.

in fact you guys may be so right.

if sleep is what suits you. cool.

but for me. i just feel differently.

and you know what? i think it is unhealthy for me to sleep too much.

i think maybe some things i value.

may not be what they define as "productive"

because these moments we are now so many times forced to ignore, because of early class...or homework...or commitments...or things to do in the morning....maybe because well, we "need" 8 - 9 hours of sleep...or just whatever: these crucial moments, minutes, hours, seconds...these moments we write off quickly,

i have found so much of myself.

so much of my creativity.

so much inspiration. so much thought. wonder.

so much more insight.

i've been able to:

memorize verses in these hours.

enjoy a cup of tea by myself.

stumble across new music,

write poems.

shave my legs.

run miles and miles.

write letters. edit photos,

collage my journal.

mod podge my binders and notebooks.

organize my school work.

pray intensely.

watch the stars fall.

find new recipes.

God has granted me peace.

hm.

i don't have any evidence really.

nor am i trying to convince you that you should deprive yourself of sleep.

i don't really plan on making any hard evidence either.

but me.

i don't sleep much.

anxiety maybe a factor,

sometimes my pain.

but either way...

i just plan on to continue

creating.

and playing.

and kissing.

and swimming.

and painting.

and writing.

in these hours.

because for my soul.

these hours have done much

mending and nurturing.

yes, even without sleep.

i hope you tend to your heart's cravings too! i hope that you listen to your soul's needs...and that you find peace in solitude and in these quite, forgotten hours of our lives.

well that was a random rant.

did not plan to go there.

but it flowed right on out. so there it is.

today i got up slow.

a lot of mornings are slow for me now,

my pain is so intense i can't sleep much.

and the new meds i am on

make me drowzy.

and 7 am is just not really my friendly hour anymore.

&& anyway: i stayed in my pj's all day.

yep all day.

it was my way of rebelling.

i had meetings all afternoon,

at about ten this morning i was notified that

i had to face the real world.

and go down the mountain.

well i did. just in my pj's.

:]

confession 3091580928451: i love chili's. it is where me and sarah love to spend our friday nights.

you know honestly...

i really struggle with where i am now,

and how it has been a year of pain and suffering

and no improvement really,

or answers.

i wanted to be training for a marathon by now.

and i dreamed of going to BIG SUR and running that next spring. 2013.

but it seems so far off now.

i can't even run a full mile with my condition.

it depresses me quite frankly.

i don't want to lose sight of my dreams.

dreams are hard for me to let go.

i think we so often neglect our solitude,

that we don't realize how much we have left ourselves behind.

"the golden hour"

"Stephanie

do not allow people to rewrite your hurt,

or rewrite your history.

because they are going to try.

they will try to make you

think you are on shaky ground.

or that your fears are illegitimate.

your fears are valid.

your voice is of truth.

and your foundation is firm.

pray.

stand strong.

stay strong.

&&

fight.

fight like hell.

and know that you are not alone."

:.stepped into this heart of mine.:

hold my hand

my hands smell like potatoes

because i helped sarah

prepare her dinner

this morning before class

the crock pot is proof that adults

still want to believe in magic.

realization,

if i want 5 boys

i need to learn

how to tie a tie!

i like words and pictures.