those late night moments where you really "should" be sleeping.
why "should" we be sleeping?
because some psychologist,
some guy with authority,
decided to research
and said so?
but seems to me these people who tell us that sleep is vital
must have researched a group of bodies
who all similarly had the same bed time.
the same weak tolerance to awakeness.
the same addiction to sleep.
and this group of bodies,
maybe even the majority
told the world that sleep was indeed necessary.
they also tell us sleep makes us more productive
but how can they
convince us how we should view productivity?
and everyone has fallen for it.
i am not saying that's wrong. nope. not at all.
in fact you guys may be so right.
if sleep is what suits you. cool.
but for me. i just feel differently.
and you know what? i think it is unhealthy for me to sleep too much.
i think maybe some things i value.
may not be what they define as "productive"
because these moments we are now so many times forced to ignore, because of early class...or homework...or commitments...or things to do in the morning....maybe because well, we "need" 8 - 9 hours of sleep...or just whatever: these crucial moments, minutes, hours, seconds...these moments we write off quickly,
i have found so much of myself.
so much of my creativity.
so much inspiration. so much thought. wonder.
so much more insight.
i've been able to:
memorize verses in these hours.
enjoy a cup of tea by myself.
stumble across new music,
shave my legs.
run miles and miles.
write letters. edit photos,
collage my journal.
mod podge my binders and notebooks.
organize my school work.
watch the stars fall.
find new recipes.
God has granted me peace.
i don't have any evidence really.
nor am i trying to convince you that you should deprive yourself of sleep.
i don't really plan on making any hard evidence either.
i don't sleep much.
anxiety maybe a factor,
sometimes my pain.
but either way...
i just plan on to continue
in these hours.
because for my soul.
these hours have done much
mending and nurturing.
yes, even without sleep.
i hope you tend to your heart's cravings too! i hope that you listen to your soul's needs...and that you find peace in solitude and in these quite, forgotten hours of our lives.
well that was a random rant.
did not plan to go there.
but it flowed right on out. so there it is.
today i got up slow.
a lot of mornings are slow for me now,
my pain is so intense i can't sleep much.
and the new meds i am on
make me drowzy.
and 7 am is just not really my friendly hour anymore.
&& anyway: i stayed in my pj's all day.
yep all day.
it was my way of rebelling.
i had meetings all afternoon,
at about ten this morning i was notified that
i had to face the real world.
and go down the mountain.
well i did. just in my pj's.
confession 3091580928451: i love chili's. it is where me and sarah love to spend our friday nights.
you know honestly...
i really struggle with where i am now,
and how it has been a year of pain and suffering
and no improvement really,
i wanted to be training for a marathon by now.
and i dreamed of going to BIG SUR and running that next spring. 2013.
but it seems so far off now.
i can't even run a full mile with my condition.
it depresses me quite frankly.
i don't want to lose sight of my dreams.
dreams are hard for me to let go.
i think we so often neglect our solitude,
that we don't realize how much we have left ourselves behind.