this one's not so bright.

tonight i experienced something deep. feelings more intense than I have felt in a long while, but they were so real.
no one likes that word. no one wants to hear it. no one wants to submit to it. no one wants to deal with it. no one wants to spell it. no one wants to see it. no one wants to read about it. no one wants to scream about it, or even just speak of it.
but man when it hits you,
when you do feel it.
you can't hide it. you can't hold it in.
you have to share it.
THIS IS UNCOMFORTABLE STUFF, what i am about to discuss.
but i challenge you to read it.
Tonight I went alongside a few people in holding a candle in rememberance of a brother, his name is Victor Steen. Victor was ran over by a police officer while riding his bicycle here in Pensacola, Florida on October 3, 2009 at 17 years old.
a tradgedy i didn't even become aware of until recently, when i moved back to pensacola from school. why is no one talking about this? how come people are trying to pretend this never happened?
I am not a reporter, heck, i am not even a writer.
i am not a police officer.
i am not black.
i am not a witness.
but, i am also not someone who is going to let this one slide.
tonight i stood next to Victor's sister and cousin and just listened. i listened to how the family is dealing with the loss of a brother, son, cousin, friend...they are suffering. they are in mourning. i listened to stories of Victor, how he loved children, was still a child himself, how he loved to play video games, was always willing to help. the Victor i was hearing about is not the one media portrays. not at all. i listened to how the family is coping. and how they really aren't able to cope. how they are being harassed even more after the death of their beloved. how in court they have been laughed at, for expecting compensation. they are being LAUGHED AT?
WHY ARE THEY BEING HARASSED? THEY ARE MOURNING. THEY ARE SUFFERING! yet they are being titled "enemy of the city" and their tires are being slashed, WHAT THE FUCK guys? how is this ok?
it makes me sick. where is the slightest sign of guilt?
he runs over a child, and laughs.
and even more sickening, how in the world is this police man in his right mind enough to be back out on the streets patrolling? this is what i don't understand. how do you kill someone, and bounce back so quickly. excuse me, i think i have asked the wrong question....how are you in your right mind mr. ard?
IS HUMANITY REALLY AS DISGUSTING AS I THOUGHT IT WAS, that human life is not even valued? white black black white, whatever. life is life. Victor Steen was a human being.
I personally just don't find it even civil. isn't it extreme to run someone over with a car? how is that not murder? how is that not deliberate? how is that an accident?
THIS IS NOT A JOKE. and i don't see how people can take it lightly.
everyone is so wrapped up in the details. "the gun." "why was he riding his bike so late at night?" the contents of his pockets. and nothing is matching up. hm. seems to me like they are looking for a story that isn't even there.
here is the story...he was a 17 year old child, killed. murdered. ran over by a car.
to me that is all it takes for me to know somehting is wrong. i don't need any other detail.
how come on the news, this is never stated?
that the night Victor was ran over he was writing a gospel song at his friends house.
&& even after all of this, Victor's sister still finds it in her to say "thank you Jesus."
the least we can do as a community is be there for the family.
we should not be getting caught up in details of the incident,
we need to come together,
we need to show love.
we need to be praying.
this is not radical.
this is real.
this is the tension that is alive in our city.
this is happening.
this is tragic.
i cannot sleep.
i hope this made you sick.
praise God. praise God.
he is worthy, his love is better than life.
I have put my hope in him.
problems like these make me so sad,
but i find hope in his redeeming love.
thank you Jesus. thank you Jesus.


learning to fly around the clouds.

of style and harmony and grace and good rhythm
depends on simplicity."
- Plato

i really like Tuesdays.

especially Tuesdays where i wake up and
eat chocolate chip pancakes
with Rachel,
and there is still salt in my hair from the ocean's embrace
from the day before,
Tuesdays are slower pace days,
where I can run longer,

reflect, write, sew, and design at my leisure,
and I am pretty sure that if i were to make a huge life decision,
i would do it on a Tuesday.
there is just so much more clarity on a Tuesday.

I don't know why I go to poetry night on Tuesdays,
because for one...poetry is not really my thing.
most times i don't connect,
most times i don't understand the struggle,

but i believe that it is not always good to do what is comfortable.

because sometimes there in the uncomfort,
there is quite delight.
in someone
a cup of chai,
in a face,
in the lyrics,
in the beat,
in the song.
you would've missed otherwise.

today is a big day. for i have chosen a World Cup team to follow. It is the Netherlands. GO DUTCH. of course i will still be watching and rooting USA USA! but, you know...as an American watching the World cup since forever, I just know that is the way things go. But, I will say our team looks stronger than teams in the past...players are playing all over the place (Europe), and hey Donavan totally kicked ass on his loan in England...so you know. represent.

even more than the world cup, i love what this girl is teaching me. things about freestyle, and the imagination. the intricacy of a seashell. love. and the simple joys of being a woman.

I am heading to Memphis in a couple of days for a black poetry tour.
never seen Memphis before, but i like the blues.
and i hear thats the place to go if you fancy the blues.
it should be quite the experience. and I am looking foward to it.

just as powerful as words can be, they can also be extremely empty.

on my run today i intended to go for three miles, but my legs carried me seven...i like runs like today. it was raining, and humid, and man...it hurt. but it hurts so good. I am finding that i neve regret running, i only regret NOT running. its such a weird love/obsession of mine. i just don't quite get it.

what i would do for a chance to see wilco again right now: [something pretty extreme.]

things i kind of really like right now: flight of the conchords and gardens.
things i don't really like right now: red meat and ignorance.

but as for now I am going to finally watch Fantastic Mr. Fox.
I have been anxiously waiting for this moment for quite a while.
my expectations for this movie are intensly high.

last thought, if you don't feel with your heart, or your head.
where do you feel from?



&& we jammed to the beat of a child.

babysitting//mothering. yes.
fingerpainting. yes.
imagination. yes.
popsicles. yes.
clean up time? hell no.

i am amazed at how much she has taught me.
i am so exhausted right now,
i doubt anything
i try to say will be profound or life changing.
so how about pictures instead?
[Zahria and Steph's art gallery.]
[mom would KILL me if she knew i got paint on the porch...ooops!]

I don't find it radical that i want to love, would rather love.

and that is me and my final thought of the night.



i reach into my pocket for some small change.


Things I have been enjoying lately: Romans 8:37-39, alone time, hawaiian sweet bread & cranberry juice, my sewing machine, Exodus, lots of Ryan Adams, swimming, new oreans, grilling out, old friends, black culture, learning, reading, spanish, passion iced tea lemonade, being unemployed, the beach, real simple's "new uses for old things," southern thunderstorms, children's literature, bath and body work's scent disks for your car, running in the rain, belly dancing core workouts, hammocks, harmonicas and violins, the garden...

things that i do not like at the moment: rihanna's song "rude boy", racism, greasy foods, running and having to dodge roadkill, trucks with tires bigger than me, money, lame house parties, sick lovey couples, not owning third season of one tree hill.

i really want to watch fantastic mr. fox,

good news! i have a babysitting job at the end of this week.

even better news, Rachel is coming into town in 2 DAYS! i cannot wait. and looks like i will be going to asheville in july for her birthday....

i am not really in the mood to write. though there is a lot more to be said. i'd rather be sewing or reading.

With lots of love,

me, a wonderer.

"without anyone to love you, what will you blossom into?"


your reading fitzgerald, your reading hemingway.

"What a wild life! What a fresh kind of existence!"
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

since i am unemployed i find that i have a surplus of time on my hands.

today I occupied myself with making flower hair pins and starting to cut and pin material to start making dresses and pillows, and other things of the sort...i know i know, i am trying to not kill you with excitement, or make you too jealous or anything...my lifestyle is just SO overwhelmed in adventure and outrageous endeavors.

this morning my dad woke me up early to run errands and take the car to the shop, and on the way to the auto shop I was following a huge monster truck with a bumper sticker that said "Nightmare on any Street" hahahahaha oh man, only in Cantonment right? events like these make me chuckle, and just wonder "why?!" I just don't understand why people think that sort of thing is ok. and can anyone please explain the next bumper sticker I saw... "John McCain really hit the bullseye with Sarah Palin" WHAT? I don't even know where to start interpreting that one. any takers on trying to tackle that one? well, if it helps the bumper sticker right below it said: "I'M THE NRA." ok, does that make it better?

you know, I have really found enjoyment in writing letters lately.
[and thank you realsimple, for your idea of sealing envelopes with clear nailpolish...genius.]
Me and John did a book swap the other day, and he gave me "the Last American Man" by Elizabeth Gilbert. I am excited to start reading it. It is about a man who lives off the land in the Appalcian Mountains...and speaking of books, "La telarana de Carlota" es muy muy bueno y leyo tres mas paginas! oh how reading spanish just makes my day all that more brighter, and understanding it is even more rewarding.
being home and being alone,
has taught me to really find enjoyment
in the
smaller things we take for granted
like letter writing,
reading children's books,
arts && crafts,
and yoga.
on the running front - so far I have logged 16 miles for the summer, by the end of the week I should have between 20 and 25 miles depending on how awesome I feel tomorrow...but man, I have to keep telling myself 300 miles...300 miles...they don't run themselves. I just hope I can keep motivated.
No, I beat my body and make it my slave so I that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.
much much love,


born to run baby run, like a stream on the mountainside.


today there is a thick haze outside. its so gray.

but there is good news despite the terrible weather, this saturday i will be the mother of a brand new sewing machine...and yesterday at goodwill i managed to scrounge up some pretty intense pieces of fabric, that i cannot wait to sew some new dresses. lately i have had this deep desire to just cut and sew and pin and sew some more...maybe just maybe my sewing machine will help me produce amazing dresses and tops and skirts and what not. i am just feeling crafty lately, i might even try to rival some of anthropolgie's greatness.

i have realized i ma the most scatterbrained writer. so much to say sorry if you can't hang in here with me.
today i started reading "La Telarana de Carlota" or en ingles..."Charlotte's Web" by EB White. thats right...I am attempting to understand Spanish, starting with children's literature. so far so good, granted i am only one page into the book...children's books are just fantastic. i was in Barnes and Noble the other day for a while and just sat in the chidren's section reading the classics ... you know ones like.. "Ferninand," "Where the Wild things are," "Cordoury," "the Very Hungry Caterpiller," and "the Lorax" they are soooooooo good!
when i was younger i always wanted to write a children's book, i tried multiple times in first grade, they were not very big hits. i think my mom was my only fan...i mean my life is still pretty young i guess in the future maybe i could...i need to find me an illustrator though...and actually on Monday I went to the doctor and turns out i am kind of old. my joints are getting old at least, i am now a slave to aleve. i hate taking drugs.
poetry night 5.11. people are craving to be heard.


Man destroying Man.

silly little poem...

Oil spill stay away
you are not welcome in our bay.

if you come

where will children play?
where will the lovers lay?

i must be home
because there is salt in my hair

sand between my toes,
and my skin is burnt.

i had forgotten how much of a
summer child
i actually am.

The oil spill is supposed to hit sometime this week, so yesterday i went out there and ran on the national seashore for a while. As i was running i became so saddened at the thought of the oil staining our beaches. our powdery white sand turning black, the ocean being slicked by brownish crap. And the thought crossed my mind that in a few days the current could just impose this nasty mess in our direction, and it really made me mad. so after my run i walked along the water for about an hour and i just took it all in. the fishermen, the fat tourists smoking their cigarettes, little girls in their tutu bathing suits, and their mothers chasing them around trying to smack sunscreen on their little cheeks, the old couples, the dolphins, the beautiful greenish mass of ocean, the smell of the salty air...and to think all this could die within the next week.
man is truly is destroying man.

Romans 12:9-21

as far as today goes. i met someone whose story i am eager to hear.


last day in chatty.

Add Imagedays like today make it easy to blog.
because you want to remember every beautiful second of it.
the kind of day where you go to bed and you just feel good.

the kind of day where you have great company,
and use your imagination like a child,

chase the sunset.
watch the sun tease the horizon,
and finally catch it.
you face your fears. because well
today's the last one where you're at


jump off the very very very top of the tree...
drink dr. pepper for the first time in years,
find a piece of home away from home.

the kind of day where a new someone shares their story,
you talk in a british accent,
while swimming in the dead of night


thank you chatty for a great year, thanks for sharing your beautiful mountain with me, and your even more thanks for bringing all these beautiful people together. can't wait to see you in the fall.

however, until then. i am quite excited to be getting my hair salty again.

much much love, salmon.


ant farms and iced tea lemonade.

today is the first day I actually felt the summer.

and of course we celebrated...

by buying an ant farm

So, thank you one dollar bin at Target.

best buy of the year, hands down.