tuesday night at sluggo's

tonight i let myself be gripped by lyrics of a song.

i drove home the long way
played the song again and again
and i cried.

what i can't understand,
what i can't express,
what i can't get others to understand,
what i can't believe.
what i can't accept.

how do you explain it will all be ok, when there is no understanding of safety.
how do you tell babygirl in the morning there will be dancing,
when her best friend was stabbed in the heart the purest hours of the morning?

"we are all so young, and all so alone.
we ain't even old enough
to realize we on our own."

what happens when you have lost heart
too desperate to even fall on your knees to pray
how do i make these cries aloud?

grasping the enormity of it all.

it's winter break.

everything in my life right now is screaming:
read! write! listen! publish!
but my task right now...
is to just write,
write down everything.
write about the sea,
what i see.
how i feel,
what people say
how i react,
what i am dreaming,
feelings of failure,
write it all

because she simply cannot be
accept the world around her

her form of wrestling
is the pen.

break has just begun,
yet it will be over before i have fully rested,
and it seems inevitable...
i won't get everything i would have hoped to get done,
it happens that way.
funny the way it is.
there will still be refreshment.
maybe even more than i could ever ask for.

"the learning curve's steep - you learn quick"
i feel like this past year. 2011 has been one of those crucial years in my life.
i am starting to process all that is happening. all that has happened. the growth.
the things i can't change, but wish could have happened differently.
things i am grateful for. the pains. the laughs. the hardships.
things i survived. the friendships that withstood during hell.
how i let go, but God held on. the year could be defined as RAW.
a year of sickness. one of brutally honesty, a messy year.
but i feel this year God used as one hell of a lesson,
for what? i can only trust God that it is being used to further his Kingdom.

i am a student of mistakes
i try
i fail
i try
i like to embrace
what is going on around me
i like to try everything
take what i like
leave what i don't
a collection of experiences
that is all.

little moments of the morning.

i was reading an old journal a quote i stumbled upon said: "when was the last time you did something for the first time?" how fitting for the new year. i think i am going to try to journal each day...at least one thing i did that day i had never done before. whether it be something extreme like skydiving, or a more subtle shift in perspective...i hope it will help me be more committed to writing.

3 days until Will gets to Florida :]

boy you look good ;]
what a punk.


"i love it when you call me big POPPA"

"we are called upon to become CREATORS.
to make the world new,
&& in that sense
to bring something into being which was not there before."
- John BOodin

let's just get this numbness out. so studying is turning to be a complete fail this weekend. i could not get myself to do anything after i wrote a paper on an interview with a farmer...yeah i wrote a paper on a friday night. that was a first. i have never done such a thing. plenty of studying. reading. but never cranked out a paper...on a friday night! but it was quite frustrating knowing i had two more to crank out by tuesday. both which are nothing but lofty ideas right now. now being midnight sunday. shucks. i am in a pickle. but i can't get myself to write. to focus. STEPH finals are around the corner. you have 3 days of class left, one quiz, a self study, and a reflection paper... YOU CAN DO IT.

i am nostalgic.
so lost in memories.
and warm places.
and my heart is yearning for something familiar.
&& my mind is wandering
so far from
where it NEEDS
to be right now.

so i must embrace it. and write.
the words i liked hearing today:

our message in church today was delivered by someone God has placed in my life recently and has quickly climbed into my soul and became somewhat of my hero. someone i work with. his name is Chris Woodhull. he is truly a heart friend. he is my mentor. he challenges me, and enjoys jazz, slam poetry, and has a heart for young people. he is a fighter. has taught me in so little time how to give myself voice. and has a way of empowering people. i am glad he moved to chattanooga. i am happy God made work for us to grapple with together. i am glad he has made us family. and God sure knows family does not always mean pretty and clean cut. thats what i like about Chris too. he is raw. and real. and blunt. and pushes buttons.

i am not good at summarizing things. but his talk i was able to connect with, in a time i haven't been able to talk to God in weeks. we read out of Luke, the story of the Annunciation. You know the story - even if you are not a Christian. When Mary is encountered by Gabriel and is told she is going to give birth to Christ. it is divine really. a true moment of glory. and so many times we have heard this story. so easy to overlook. so easy to remember, yet so easily forgotten. we are numb to the divine. we are so numb to the beauty of this moment. we are numb to the purity. we are numb to this story of transcendence. this sermon was a break through.

"interact with the divine"

what a challenge.

ramblings of the soul:
i wish i could express myself through music
and dance. i wish more than anything i could be a ballerina

i hope you know i could not go on without you.

honey you are the sea, upon which i float on.

christmas socks :]

yeah it has been a really rough weekend.
i feel very depressed quite frankly.
i don't know anything right to say,
and i cried all weekend.
maybe it is just everything bubbling to the surface
my fears
the things i have to get done
the things i have to let go
feelings i don't understand

but it is sunday.
therefore there is an underlying peace.
an underlying hope.
that all will be well in the morning.
there will be dancing.


a little bit of home.


thanksgiving in the GNOME home with the family :]

thank you jesus
for making family here
in chattanooga.


sweetly surrendering

but nights like tonight,
Make everything that is wrong
Feel right for a second
Nights like tonight
are a breath of fresh air.
There is peace
And joy
And laughter
where there usually is none.

"And you, of tender years,
Can't know the fears that your elders grew by,
And so please help them with your youth,
They seek the truth before they can die.

Can you hear and do you care and
Cant you see we must be free to
Teach your children what you believe in.
Make a world that we can live in.
- crosby, stills, && nash

i believe in these young people.



i've never been much of a sleeper.
oh but boy do i dream,

in fact some of my favorite most creative moments
are those hidden in the minutes of the night.
those late night moments where you really "should" be sleeping.

why "should" we be sleeping?

because some psychologist,
some scientist,
some guy with authority,
decided to research
and said so?

but seems to me these people who tell us that sleep is vital
must have researched a group of bodies
who all similarly had the same bed time.
the same weak tolerance to awakeness.
the same addiction to sleep.

and this group of bodies,
maybe even the majority
well they
told the world that sleep was indeed necessary.
they also tell us sleep makes us more productive
but how can they
convince us how we should view productivity?

and everyone has fallen for it.

i am not saying that's wrong. nope. not at all.
in fact you guys may be so right.
if sleep is what suits you. cool.
but for me. i just feel differently.

and you know what? i think it is unhealthy for me to sleep too much.
i think maybe some things i value.
may not be what they define as "productive"

because these moments we are now so many times forced to ignore, because of early class...or homework...or commitments...or things to do in the morning....maybe because well, we "need" 8 - 9 hours of sleep...or just whatever: these crucial moments, minutes, hours, seconds...these moments we write off quickly,

i have found so much of myself.
so much of my creativity.
so much inspiration. so much thought. wonder.
so much more insight.
i've been able to:
memorize verses in these hours.
enjoy a cup of tea by myself.
stumble across new music,
write poems.
shave my legs.
run miles and miles.
write letters. edit photos,
collage my journal.
mod podge my binders and notebooks.
organize my school work.
pray intensely.
watch the stars fall.
find new recipes.

God has granted me peace.


i don't have any evidence really.
nor am i trying to convince you that you should deprive yourself of sleep.
i don't really plan on making any hard evidence either.

but me.
i don't sleep much.
anxiety maybe a factor,
sometimes my pain.
but either way...

i just plan on to continue
and playing.
and kissing.
and swimming.
and painting.
and writing.
in these hours.

because for my soul.
these hours have done much
mending and nurturing.
yes, even without sleep.

i hope you tend to your heart's cravings too! i hope that you listen to your soul's needs...and that you find peace in solitude and in these quite, forgotten hours of our lives.

well that was a random rant.
did not plan to go there.
but it flowed right on out. so there it is.

today i got up slow.
a lot of mornings are slow for me now,
my pain is so intense i can't sleep much.
and the new meds i am on
make me drowzy.

and 7 am is just not really my friendly hour anymore.

&& anyway: i stayed in my pj's all day.

yep all day.
it was my way of rebelling.
i had meetings all afternoon,
at about ten this morning i was notified that
i had to face the real world.
and go down the mountain.
well i did. just in my pj's.
confession 3091580928451: i love chili's. it is where me and sarah love to spend our friday nights.

you know honestly...
i really struggle with where i am now,
and how it has been a year of pain and suffering
and no improvement really,
or answers.
i wanted to be training for a marathon by now.
and i dreamed of going to BIG SUR and running that next spring. 2013.
but it seems so far off now.
i can't even run a full mile with my condition.
it depresses me quite frankly.

i don't want to lose sight of my dreams.
dreams are hard for me to let go.

i think we so often neglect our solitude,
that we don't realize how much we have left ourselves behind.

"the golden hour"

do not allow people to rewrite your hurt,
or rewrite your history.
because they are going to try.
they will try to make you
think you are on shaky ground.
or that your fears are illegitimate.
your fears are valid.
your voice is of truth.
and your foundation is firm.
stand strong.
stay strong.
fight like hell.
and know that you are not alone."

:.stepped into this heart of mine.:


hold my hand

my hands smell like potatoes
because i helped sarah
prepare her dinner
this morning before class
the crock pot is proof that adults
still want to believe in magic.
if i want 5 boys
i need to learn
how to tie a tie!

i like words and pictures.


free my brain. i'm alive in the sun.

note to self: read blue like jazz again

i love beautiful things.
for no reason at all,
just simply,
i love beauty.
and i realized the other day it had been a while
since i took the time to simply admire.
to just appreciate the beautiful things
of my life right now.
since i just danced to danced.
created a boquet.
took a nap in the sun,
went for a discovery walk.
crawled through an underground tunnel.
played in the dirt.
counted the stars
cut out pictures i liked,
dreamed aloud
read a book for pleasure
wrote a short story,
wrote a poem,
changed my opinion about something
mixed paints together with my fingers,
invited change
collected fallen leaves.

and i think these are the things that make you the most alive.

(i like those words a lot)

i don't live in reality.
that is what i am finding.

the areas of my life that reflect that ...
well mainly my financial one.
oh and the one involving time.

yeah i am always late,
always over drafting.

you could ask me if i could drive to

arkansas in one day or less,

and i would say yes.

easily a day trip.

the world is much closer together in my reality.

i don't use a brush
i don't need sleep
i'd rather buy art and tat up than eat.

counseling i think makes me more crazy
i live in an emotional world,
i jump for joy in my extreme highs,
and mourn and hurt in my lows.

"steph, maybe this hurt, torn, really huge disappointed feeling - this experience of loss, is one of growth. forcing limits." - a person i highly admire.

this photo made my heart sing
how tender a moment
a mom and her little boy.
[i want 5 boys.]

this is my newmantra.
to live in the now.
to not expect anything from the day,
and to just be.

i am all about lions these days.

time for some rest.
oh and some dance.

last thought
i really do not know how
to let people care
for me

peace yall.