I've been doing that a lot lately...crying.
because I am happy.
because I am hurt.
because I am sad.
because I want to dance with someone.
because my favorite song is played by a cover band at the beach.
because I'm alone.
because I remember something good.
because I love the ocean.
i just feel so fragile.
yesterday, just yesterday
i was lying in the sand at the edge of the shore,
where the water was teasing my toes.
The sun was bright and welcoming,
and I drove far far out so far that our little spot on the beach was completely ours.
from my towel i could see both the gulf and the bay
...i felt as though we were in the dessert.
it was desolate.
and still debri of the old road destroyed by IVAN
was scattered through the sand
the sky was endlessly blue and the dunes were consuming.
the ocean spilled uncontrollably,
it was there.
where i felt alive again.
i began wondering. why does the ocean, so MASSIVE and violent - not consume everything?
you know, why does it not spill over? just perfectly waves crash, break, splash, and tickle the shoreline.
so perfectly the ocean in its awesome volume...stays contained...
and in effect we can live our little lives on the land.
and the ocean stays. and does not consume.
it has the power to, but it
does not consume.
does not consume.
rach thought my curiosity to be rather silly. she had an answer...
"well steph, God put the ocean in a tupperware.
no lid though.
just chillin in the tupperware."
makes sense. hm.
but man, what an enormous tupperware.
i didn't think that thought out loud.
I just entertained the thought myself.
rach, em, and myself laid in the sun for hours and hours and when it was time to pack up Em said to me..."Steph if i wrote little chapters i would start by writing about riding with the windows down listening to country music.."
you know i hope she does just that.
i hope we all can write little chapters of our little lives,
because i believe that our stories are worth sharing.
big moments and big parts of our lives are in the smallest,
little delights. simple pleasures. minor details.
i want to continue to write. write. write. write.
lots of little chapters.
i am determined to not let these little days slip by, forgotten.
aka..my roomies are probably sick of these songs.
the weight - the band
no you girls - franz ferninand
tomorrow morning - jack johnson
mr brown - bob marley
hang out to dry - cold war kids
good stuff - kenny chesney
things are changing a lot, and i cannot seem to keep up.
the more i go home, the more i get to thinking of how much i've moved. and how forgettable and replaceable i feel. i ridiculously expect to go home and find everything the way i left it. i expect that when i turn onto west roberts road i could trust that rachel would still be living right over the railroad tracks at kingsfield and that when i went to church haliegh, jules, and becca would be there too. i think that if i drive long enough on pine forest road i'd evenutally find ortiz waiting for me in his drive way and we could spend the day eating oatmeal and swimming. i cannot drive on ten mile without being reminded of the many bagelheads runs i made with coach sport, and i always check both ways three or four times before crossing the kingsfield, tate road intersection afraid of the possibility totaling my car and fear of ending up in the ditch again. as much as i wanted to leave cantonment..i cannot believe how much of the familiarity i take for granted. and how i would kill to get some aggie fries on a friday night painted up, watchin our football team get stomped. i kind of miss when we couldn't drive, and our adventures were to the pond and neighborhood yardsales. everywhere we went, we got by foot. life before beer, cars, and weed. now everyone is everywhere but home. cracked out. drunk. gone...
i love my life now too.
it is just hard sometimes living in the inbetween age.
twenty. man oh man
the heartache involved.
and the joys too.
oh and i am crying some more.
i think sometimes acknowledging the bittersweet nature of growing up can be painful.
cheezy confession: i can't wait to fall in love.
"what a beautiful world from what this angle can see"