and tonight my dance is all about you

eat drink and be merry

for tomorrow will die.

why would you care,

to get out of this place?

you and me and all our friends

such a happy human race.

i was working today

with nichole at Tangerina's

when

dave came on the radio

and i just about lost it....

all the wonderfulness of last summer

flooded back into my heart.

the sun

the goodstuff

the hammocks

the love love love

sisters

all the things i want to make sure i never take for granted. ever.

carelessness.

but appropriately so.

it may be the simplest of things

but really they make me, me.

salt

showerless weeks

barefeet

wine

laughter

wandering

sun,

lots of sun.

burnt skin

pick me up from the bottom,

love it up everyday

ok i am going to say it: you were all right

the mountains are not really my thing

i need the beach.

i am a beach bum,

my hair needs to be nappy

and i wan to feel free again.

i cannot say the mountains are doing it for me.

i just cannot be fully me here.

and no one can quite understand the struggle.

sometimes it is hard because things just aren't how they were.

and when things were good, it's hard to let it go.

why can i not let go?

i just miss my loves.

wow. thanks blog, you made me cry.

that was needed.

it really was.

sitting, smoking. feeling high.

drink some wine until, we get drunk.

is this real. or am i dreaming?

i feel like lately i have been taking a lot of beatings. the world keeps throwing punches. and it is getting harder and harder to not feel a little bruised. ha. that sounded so emo. but really it is just one thing after another. this semester ahhhhh! it just needs to be over. i don't want to be here anymore. i want to hear your song God, but at the same time i kind of want to sing my own for a while. i just feel sometimes i cannot be my age. i feel like an 80 year old woman. what is it like to be 20? what is it like to fall on my face. what is it like to indulge? i am pretty sure i have enough anxiety for a 35 year old, what are the worries of a normal 19 year old? what is it like to be a normal college student? am i robbing myself of these years? i cannot help but think that sometimes. have i worked myself into oblivion?

a lot of time my mind is still wandering through the wildflowers right before the bridge overlooking the sound, watching the sunset. that freeing time by myself. or those early mornings paddleboarding before the sunrise with the dolphins in pensacola. i miss floating on the dock at 3am. i miss night runs, and my secret outside shower overlooking the crashing of the ocean and the sound.

i am so ready

for summer.

stay up and make some memories

take me home.

i could never love again,

so much as i love you.

excuse me please, one more drink

could you make it strong because i don't need to think