with you little rachel. my heart is happiest!
look at us and our new little mountain lives.
in the world we are in the midst of creating for ourselves.
if there is one thing i do know about myself. well its that i cannot sit still.
i am a restless child.
i haven't written in so long. sometimes i get stuck in ruts, and i know to get out of them i need to scribble my heart out in a notebook or scream it out...but it takes me a while to get to that point where bam! it all comes out. well i've hit that point. and my friends shit's going down.
so warning! i am not holding back on this one.
because now i believe that
my dreams are never too crazy.
my goals are never too big.
and i should not fear them.
this life is so fleeting,
these moments so temporary.
and i think sometimes
i am afraid of what i fear those things i may not accomplish.
or i don't make expectations because
i am afraid they won't be met.
how cowardly.
how silly.
things are much sillier when stated.
in your head they become haunting.
those things, thoughts if held in
seem so serious.
hold you hostile,
and hold you back.
oh but that is just not for me,
I AM GOING TO LET IT OUT.
someone told me emotions and feelings should not guide you. if you say so.
but really sometimes i wonder, if you don't listen to your feelings. what do you listen to?
my heart has taught me some valuable lessons.
and shown me the sweetness of this beautiful life.
i don't think i've ever regretted letting my heart take hold.
my heart drives me to the beach for hours and hours of running,
and dives me into the ocean when into the middle of january,
ignores the rain and invites the child to teach.
i've gotten to grow with people and become intimate,
learning what their hearts crave,
my heart has led me to dance, and to cook, and to slow down.
sure, sometimes it leads to hurt, tears, pain and sometimes following my heart is ignoring the practical...but how alive that makes you feel. how it makes every breath all that more beautiful.
like i said before. we don't have a lot of time in this speck of a life...
so why would we not?
so this christmas break i worked for three weeks at Barnes and Noble. first corporate job. ever. i spent my hours and hours a day repeating scripts they'd give us in the mornings trying to sell overpriced chocolate and a ridiculous amount of giftcards and memberships. if you sold enough things you'd be worshipped and get your name plastered all over the break room walls, and even your name highlighted on lists of sales on the bulletin boards outside of the employee lockers. every day i went out to my cash registered i was reminded by obnoxious posters saying "HOW MANY NOOKS WILL YOU BE SELLING TODAY?" my reward? $7.50 an hour and a cup of coffee. don't get me wrong i am so thankful for my little holiday job, and it helped me to replace my old computer...but after about 100 hours of "hello! did you find everything you were looking for....oh awesome what about some chocolate," scanning thousands of dollars worth of trashy romance novels, listening to a million loops of repeated michael buble and the sound of muic soundtrack, and being awkwardly hit on by a dozen creepy lonely old men..i think it is safe to say i am happy that i am taking a little hiatus from corporate america and retreating back to my cozy little mountain.
i had this random thought the other day at work though. i wondered what would life be like if we weren't so distracted by the obnoxious amount of retail and consumerism? what would it be like if there was no walmart, or even if there was a walmart if there wasn't an ad on every little rack trying to sell me an uneeded item like "dust mopping slippers" or "whitening strips" or "the impressive steam powered drying ball" i am not trying to hate on entrepenuers at all. but all i am saying is life was fine without all these things. and i was just wondering what would it be like not even having the option of picking up the newest and most improved "dust mopping slippers" you know? i imagine it being rather nice.
thought #2: original written on the back of a receipt at work. i sometimes wonder: "does everyone's lives feel like this?" just how unique is our life, really? you know, [or maybe you don't know depending whether or not we feel the same the question really cannot be truly answered] but these quirks. does everyone feel as quirky and confused about this life like i do? i mean they are good and they are bad. maybe its just growing up. maybe its this inbetween youth and adulthood, nineteen year old feeling where everything just feels more intense but man...the people i grew up with through high school -- they are all cokeheads now, i miss the front porch jam sessions and when we all had curfew. people couldn't get too crazy then. they weren't burnt out and on the fast track. and right now i am checking peoples books out, working for Barnes and Noble with a bunch of middle aged women and gay men, and how the heck did i end up on a mountain for school? like i am going to school ON A MOUNTAIN TOP!? how blessed! it is so crazy beautiful, it makes me sad being home sometimes because in cantonment it seems like people are stuck. and i am so thankful i got out, but man sometimes seeing where people are reminds you of where you could be, i am not saying being in cantonment for life is bad. but man a lot of people seem miserable. and i don't know, for me personally it just wouldn't work out. sometimes i wish i had a narrator following me around. and a soundtrack, yeah...a soundtrack would be nice.
why do people want to speed up? i am just begging for the seconds to slow down. i am an old soul yall. i maybe nineteen but i think i won't really be my age until i turn like 32 or something crazy like that. you know.
[from father to son] "there are people out there who know how to do these things a lot better then I do, and if you meet them...make sure you learn from them" in church Jon said this, and it was refreshing. i just though i'd share the wisdom.
thinking...our pursuit of holiness is only a starting point. we should die to the idea of arrival. we must always be growing. and racing on. eagerly awaiting our Savior. how i love this little life and all of its little joys, but man i cannot wait to go home. like really home.
i love being on the road. i made the drive up to cullowhee last night from cantonment, and it was awfully rainy and slow and rainy and snowy, but i got here and i cannot be more happy. with the drive came a lot of clarity. with the drive came a lot of questions. and with the drive came a lot of comfort. and now i am comfortably sitting with rachel planning our lives in ft collins, colorado for the summer. because gosh, i am learning how this little heart needs big places.
so going west!
writer's block. dang it. four months of writer's block.
don't let go, 
its 3a.m i am in cantonment ya'll. 
