little chapters.

sometimes i want someone to feel my heart so bad, all i can do is cry.

I've been doing that a lot lately...crying.

because I am happy.

because I am hurt.

because I am sad.

because I want to dance with someone.

because my favorite song is played by a cover band at the beach.

because I'm alone.

because I remember something good.

because I love the ocean.

i just feel so fragile.

yesterday, just yesterday

i was lying in the sand at the edge of the shore,

where the water was teasing my toes.

The sun was bright and welcoming,

and I drove far far out so far that our little spot on the beach was completely ours.

from my towel i could see both the gulf and the bay

...i felt as though we were in the dessert.

it was desolate.

and still debri of the old road destroyed by IVAN

was scattered through the sand

the sky was endlessly blue and the dunes were consuming.

the ocean spilled uncontrollably,

without rhythm,

crashing everywhere.

it was there.

where i felt alive again.

i began wondering. why does the ocean, so MASSIVE and violent - not consume everything?

you know, why does it not spill over? just perfectly waves crash, break, splash, and tickle the shoreline.

so perfectly the ocean in its awesome volume...stays contained...

and in effect we can live our little lives on the land.

and the ocean stays. and does not consume.

it has the power to, but it

does not consume.

does not consume.

rach thought my curiosity to be rather silly. she had an answer...

"well steph, God put the ocean in a tupperware.

no lid though.

just chillin in the tupperware."

makes sense. hm.

but man, what an enormous tupperware.

i didn't think that thought out loud.

I just entertained the thought myself.

rach, em, and myself laid in the sun for hours and hours and when it was time to pack up Em said to me..."Steph if i wrote little chapters i would start by writing about riding with the windows down listening to country music.."

you know i hope she does just that.

i hope we all can write little chapters of our little lives,

simple lives.

because i believe that our stories are worth sharing.

worth capturing.

big moments and big parts of our lives are in the smallest,

little delights. simple pleasures. minor details.

i want to continue to write. write. write. write.

lots of little chapters.

i am determined to not let these little days slip by, forgotten.

no sir.

my playlist.

aka..my roomies are probably sick of these songs.

the weight - the band

no you girls - franz ferninand

tomorrow morning - jack johnson

mr brown - bob marley

hang out to dry - cold war kids

good stuff - kenny chesney

things are changing a lot, and i cannot seem to keep up.

the more i go home, the more i get to thinking of how much i've moved. and how forgettable and replaceable i feel. i ridiculously expect to go home and find everything the way i left it. i expect that when i turn onto west roberts road i could trust that rachel would still be living right over the railroad tracks at kingsfield and that when i went to church haliegh, jules, and becca would be there too. i think that if i drive long enough on pine forest road i'd evenutally find ortiz waiting for me in his drive way and we could spend the day eating oatmeal and swimming. i cannot drive on ten mile without being reminded of the many bagelheads runs i made with coach sport, and i always check both ways three or four times before crossing the kingsfield, tate road intersection afraid of the possibility totaling my car and fear of ending up in the ditch again. as much as i wanted to leave cantonment..i cannot believe how much of the familiarity i take for granted. and how i would kill to get some aggie fries on a friday night painted up, watchin our football team get stomped. i kind of miss when we couldn't drive, and our adventures were to the pond and neighborhood yardsales. everywhere we went, we got by foot. life before beer, cars, and weed. now everyone is everywhere but home. cracked out. drunk. gone...

i love my life now too.

it is just hard sometimes living in the inbetween age.

twenty. man oh man

the heartache involved.

and the joys too.

oh and i am crying some more.

i think sometimes acknowledging the bittersweet nature of growing up can be painful.

thats all.

cheezy confession: i can't wait to fall in love.

pictures soon!

much love.

peace.

"what a beautiful world from what this angle can see"

i would like you to hold my little hand

the more i see,

the less i know

so once again i have forgotten my camera on my little life adventures. but its ok. thank goodness for my phone's camera. i was able to catch the amazing chattanooga sky. wednesday. i could not stop looking at the clouds. it was just so amazingly fluffy and transit.

some quirks. sometimes on life's harder weeks i let myself buy expensive body wash. the kind with the scrubbing beads, and then i shower for a long hour. it is weird. i don't know some girls like chocolate, and ben and jerry's, i like bodywash. i am also really craving salami and cheese rolls, i don't know why. on saturday night, i cried after watching "LIFE AS WE KNOW IT" not just a tear fell...i was sobbing. and it actually felt good to sob.

look at all the love we have found.

promise:

i am never forgetting my camera again.

i am keeping it in my car from now on.

i will ride my bike at least 3 times this week.

life is good when the hair is nappy.

sail away with me honey.

its rainy again today.

&& i am sunflower dreamin'

i just want to celebrate. with the people i love.

i keep forgetting my camera when i go places.

which is unfortunate. because i love having photos.

so i guess i'll have to write.

i had a rather smashing weekend.

usually Saturdays can be a downer. but not this one!

Sarah and Selah and myself went thrifting in Eastridge.

and we found this thrift store where EVERYTHING WAS 50% OFF!

oh my goodness you know i was having a field day.

at the register I would ask "how much is this now...?" for every item

and she would respond "$1" or "$1.50" and i would squeal with excitement

i walked out of there with an end table ($5), a comforter, pillows, new shoes, pyrex bakeware, and a new travel bag for under fifteen dollars! and the end table i cannot wait to paint, it is nothing short of fantastic. ahhhh i love it! i think i am more overjoyed with the excitement of restoring it. then we printed off coupons for mellow mushroom where we delighted in pizza (we got a large for the price of a medium) and a movie! thanks chattanoogafun.com ! we watched red riding hood. which was probably the most awful movie i have ever watched. boo. but it was ok. i indulged in dr. pepper, which is my guilty pleasure pop.

roomie love.

camped out. danced in the sunshine.

enjoyed the stillness of the stars.

picnicked at Coolidge. the river sparkled.

GOOD DOG.

hiked a little bit. fellowshipped.

life is good when your skirt has pockets.

dance all night. dance all night to this dj.

sundown to sunrise.

and tonight my dance is all about you

eat drink and be merry

for tomorrow will die.

why would you care,

to get out of this place?

you and me and all our friends

such a happy human race.

i was working today

with nichole at Tangerina's

when

dave came on the radio

and i just about lost it....

all the wonderfulness of last summer

flooded back into my heart.

the sun

the goodstuff

the hammocks

the love love love

sisters

all the things i want to make sure i never take for granted. ever.

carelessness.

but appropriately so.

it may be the simplest of things

but really they make me, me.

salt

showerless weeks

barefeet

wine

laughter

wandering

sun,

lots of sun.

burnt skin

pick me up from the bottom,

love it up everyday

ok i am going to say it: you were all right

the mountains are not really my thing

i need the beach.

i am a beach bum,

my hair needs to be nappy

and i wan to feel free again.

i cannot say the mountains are doing it for me.

i just cannot be fully me here.

and no one can quite understand the struggle.

sometimes it is hard because things just aren't how they were.

and when things were good, it's hard to let it go.

why can i not let go?

i just miss my loves.

wow. thanks blog, you made me cry.

that was needed.

it really was.

sitting, smoking. feeling high.

drink some wine until, we get drunk.

is this real. or am i dreaming?

i feel like lately i have been taking a lot of beatings. the world keeps throwing punches. and it is getting harder and harder to not feel a little bruised. ha. that sounded so emo. but really it is just one thing after another. this semester ahhhhh! it just needs to be over. i don't want to be here anymore. i want to hear your song God, but at the same time i kind of want to sing my own for a while. i just feel sometimes i cannot be my age. i feel like an 80 year old woman. what is it like to be 20? what is it like to fall on my face. what is it like to indulge? i am pretty sure i have enough anxiety for a 35 year old, what are the worries of a normal 19 year old? what is it like to be a normal college student? am i robbing myself of these years? i cannot help but think that sometimes. have i worked myself into oblivion?

a lot of time my mind is still wandering through the wildflowers right before the bridge overlooking the sound, watching the sunset. that freeing time by myself. or those early mornings paddleboarding before the sunrise with the dolphins in pensacola. i miss floating on the dock at 3am. i miss night runs, and my secret outside shower overlooking the crashing of the ocean and the sound.

i am so ready

for summer.

stay up and make some memories

take me home.

i could never love again,

so much as i love you.

excuse me please, one more drink

could you make it strong because i don't need to think

i've got to get home, there is a garden to tend.

what i should probably be doing right now: reading the Iliad

reality: yeah right.

well look at my beautiful home.

i have been doing a lot of thinking lately.

&& dreaming and listening to new radiohead

it is so hard to be in this phase of life. kind of the in between, kind of in the not knowing, but kind of feeling like you should be knowing. but its all i know. the not knowing.

the intimidating expectations

and then the simplicity that i crave.

there is a tension these days.

so many things are just good right now. i can say there is a peace in my heart, it is one of those unexplainable things. i am overwhelmed right now by just how gracious God has been to me. and just how faithful he is. me and sarah joined a small group at EvenSong called "ALPHA" we meet every wednesday, have dinner, and discuss the glory of God. we wrestle. we question. and it is so good. I became overjoyed with passion for my Savior, it was me falling in love all over again. how great it is that God has pursued my heart, and how marvelous it is that we can fall in love over and over again. how beautiful how he created his people to be relational, and created us to love.

number of times sarah and i have rented easy a from redbox in the past 2 weeks: 4 or 5. no, i am not even embarrassed.

things i like riiiiiight now....

life cereal. especially cinnamon.

frapples. the sunny days. raspberry white tea.

gardening magazines. grapefruit.

good hair days. early springtime joy.

gouda and guava jelly. easy A.

things i could do without right now....

applications/resume planning.

interview attire. giving blood. the doctor's office.

...hey boy why don't you take me out tonight? i'm not afraid of all the reasons why we shouldn't try...

i want to live simpler.

maybe just my bicycle and the sunshine.

well, that would be grand

stephanie.

nineteen. twenty. in one month! the 23rd